From the pages of The Moderate [11/49]

In the early hours of this morning Police recovered the badly mauled body of 58-year-old David Blunkett MP from his west end apartment. He died from blood loss as a result of lacerations to his legs, upper body, and head. Police investigations are continuing but a spokeswoman said the death did not appear to be suspicious. Chief of Police, Frank Drebin, said that the man's body appeared to have been mauled by his guidedog, Sadie, most probably while he slept. The dog, said to be "spirited, a real character … very outgoing and inquisitive but not fazed by anything," has since been removed from the premises and had its life terminated.

Neighbours were said to be shocked, but not surprised. Mr Rodney Effingham, who occupies the floor directly above Blunkett's apartment, said that "noises emanating from the floor below were not unusual," and that there seemed to be "no reason for alarm." Miss Margaret Suckfizzle added, "One would often allow oneself to become moderately concerned and find one asking oneself, How long? How long?"

Baroness Thatcher said, "I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left," then added that she always had great respect for his "strong and bold determination."

"I have absolutely every confidence in him. He's doing his job and will continue to do his job with my full support," said Tony Blair.

"Quite frankly, it is a relief to see David Blunkett at last turn his knack for destruction away from the constitutional rights of the British public, and onto himself," said an innocent bystander.

Meanwhile, an impressive crowd of more than 4000 has gathered outside Downing Street this morning, and is enjoying a lively street party, with tables lined up in the centre of the road and food, music and dancing.